How to liven-up your relationship – start with lust

Dear AmyK,
Spring Cleaning is in the air, and I’m down with dusting and de-cluttering the house, but what about relationships? Is there a way to freshen-up, liven-up and clean up my personal relationship without drama and counseling? My spouse and I could use a jolt. I know you focus on business, but then I read on your website “happy in life” so I thought I’d ask.

Signed,
Pine Sol for Partnership

Dear Pine Sol,
The true solvents you need for polishing up your partnership and getting some brilliant shine back in your relationship are lust, laughter and learning. In this order.

Let’s start with lust. Actually, let’s start with what triggers lust. Visuals – enticing, provocative ones. Looks count. Duh. While this is not exactly shocking news, most folks still do not realize the importance of the brain’s hard wiring for physical desirability and what to do about it in 90 mph lifestyles wherein we erroneously say, “I want my partner to love me warts and all.” Ewww. Grab some Compound-W and some breath mints, and while you’re at it, bypass the sweatpants, baggy jeans and grab something in your closet that maximizes your outward appearance. Packaging is important. Hello, it’s why they pay Chief Marketing Officers so much. The brain triggers on visuals. Capitalize on these facts. Do you truly look your best? Do you truly feel your best? Feeling your most confident self directly contributes to looking your best.

Bringing up appearance is not meant to generate a shallow approach to relationships. Attraction is about maximizing your best physical self and feeling confident that you’re putting your best foot, face and minty breath forward. If you do not feel confident about your appearance, then you need to work on feeling more self-assured first. Self-assurance is an inside job, but there are things you can do to the outside of you that can make you feel better about the “packaging” you present to the world. Aside from a lobotomy, there is no plastic surgery for the brain, so remember, after your initial “high” from whatever outward changes you make to your physical appearance (haircut, shave, new outfit), be prepared to address any inner changes that may still need attention. Want to maximize the outer you to its fullest potential? Start with maximizing the inner you. It’s a trite concept for a reason.

It should go without saying, but I feel I must, just in case the obvious is overlooked- if you’re a woman reading this blog – buy some pretty lingerie. And if it’s beige, take it back. Think red, electric blue, black. That’s it. Dusty pink? Consider it passé. Baby blue? Consider it blah. Never hurts to lean over at a strategic time and let your hubby see a shot of red lace to pick up the romantic pace. If you’re a guy reading this blog, for the love of women will you please trim your nose hair, ear hairs and that one errant eyebrow hair that is long enough to attract a cable signal.

Next, spice it up by changing it up. Mark a date night on the calendar. Avoid the chain restaurant you always go to. Do not, under any circumstances, go where you often take the kids. Choose a new place. Make it an adventure and then send a sexy text to your spouse the day before the date. Does this sound like too much work? Get over it. This is Spring-Cleaning Loving not Lazy-Ass Loving. Sexy texts are flirtatious and fun, and make you both look forward to a night where talking about the lawn and which camps you’re willing to mail extortion-level checks to so you don’t have to hear how bored your kids are on day two of summer break are banned.

Sexting is an art unto itself, but suffice to say, here are a few tame ones to get you started. By all means, the spicier the better, but if you’re new to this concept, start slow.

Looking forward to tomorrow night. I think we should re-enact that night in Cabo. 😉
Tomorrow night we should add naughty to the dessert menu. 😉
Counting down the hours until I get to love on you. All of you. 🙂
Tomorrow night, I want a start with a long, slow, kiss. And I want to end with…oh, darn, I have to get that, but start imagining… 😉

Want spicier text messages? Join our Ignite Brilliance Online Class and get a tool filled with them.

Lust and intimacy are key to a successful relationship. Make an effort to keep the chemistry by using a little extra elbow grease.

Laughter
You all know too well the sound of forced laughter that typically accompanies the constipated looking smile coming from someone who is trying to be polite after listening to a terrible joke. You all are also familiar with the nervous laughter of someone who really wants to excuse themselves from their blunder or the laughter of someone who is trying too hard to be entertainingly witty. But there is that sincere, contagious laughter, created from pure amusement and joy that causes all of us, on cue, to join in with our own hearty rendition.

There is also the inner smile: the joy that is created in your heart and mind through an emotional connection with your date. Emotions take place in the mid-section of your brain, serving as the link between Lust and Learning. It is the emotions relating to security, comfort, respect and confidence that create an inner smile and an inner joy.

Focus on your date’s feelings of security, comfort, respect and confidence, and they will relax, banter, smile, and quip. If you’re having trouble sparking the dialogue, bring up a prior incident that you both now deem funny. Reminding yourselves of some silly, fun times encourages you to make new ones. Or… verbalize your appreciation for their strengths, praise them for something they accomplished, or thank them for something they did. Use your words. Yep – as hard as it to believe – words of affirmation and appreciation make people feel safe, comfortable and wanted. When we feel safe, comfortable and wanted, we smile, we relax, and we laugh. It’s not rocket science but it is neuro-science.

If words are truly not your thing (lame excuse, but I will accept that perhaps you are exhausted) then as a last resort you may buy tickets to some stupid/silly movie that requires nothing but derisive snorts at the lame jokes and outright bursts of genuine merriment at the lovely one-liners.

Learning
I kid you not – I got an email from a dear friend and client just yesterday saying that he and his wife are learning to ride motorcycles. And whether you like to ride motorcycles or think they’re donor-cycles this is NOT my point. They are staying active. They are staying curious and they are trying new things – TOGETHER.

Pursuing new interests and hobbies keeps the spark alive and sweeps in a whole lot of fresh air. Don’t have time to learn sailing, skiing or skeet-shooting? Staying curious and simply talking about something besides the weather and the in-laws sparks intellectual stimulation too. Captivating, intriguing and meaningful conversation where both parties participate in talking and listening is a brilliant way to clean out the mental cobwebs. Before your next date read an article or two outside of your comfort zone. Pick up a magazine you don’t normally read, surf the net for a news item, read a section of the paper you don’t normally peruse and then think of a question you can ask your partner to engage them in the conversation.
You can also print out a few articles on destinations you’ve considered traveling to and spend an evening planning your next romantic getaway.

And before you say, “Who has time for this amount of work?” I ask you, do you have any interest in a brilliant, happy relationship down the road that still includes hot sex, inside jokes and non-nagging conversations?! I thought so.
So…go grab your rubbers (i.e. cleaning gloves! geesh) and inject some sparkle and shine into your love life this Spring ! 😉

You don’t have to embark on this leadership journey alone!
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